Learned Helplessness in Men:
How to Recognize It and Protect Your Energy
Navigating modern relationships can be tough, especially when your partner’s behavior leaves you feeling unsupported or undervalued. One dynamic that often flies under the radar is learned helplessness. This mindset makes someone feel powerless to change their circumstances, even when they can. For many men, societal norms contribute to this behavior, often leaving their partners to carry the emotional, mental and physical load.
Let’s break down what learned helplessness is, how it impacts women, and how to protect your energy and well-being.
What is learned helplessness?
Learned helplessness occurs when someone believes their actions can’t change their situation. It often stems from repeated failure or rejection. Over time, the person stops trying, convinced nothing will improve.
For men, this often links to societal norms that discourage emotional growth. Boys are taught to suppress feelings and equate vulnerability with weakness. This patriarchal conditioning leads to avoidance, passivity, and reliance on others.
How Patriarchy Contributes to Learned Helplessness
The patriarchy doesn’t just harm women—it restricts men, too. Boys are told to “man up” and hide their emotions. This message shapes how they approach life as adults, making emotional regulation rare and leaving many men ill-equipped to handle life’s roller coaster of ups and downs.
These very subtle societal norms, repeated again and again from many sources and in many different forms, discourage them from seeking help or accepting support. I’ve seen this too many times in my own family, where male relatives have struggled with mental health but refused help. Only when the women in my family stepped in and put their foot down did they reluctantly agree to seek it.
This intervention wasn’t simple or quick—it required hours of emotional labor, research to find resources, and countless conversations to convince them to prioritize their well-being. Women, yet again, were forced to take on the extra workload, adding to their already exhaustive to-do lists. From managing their own responsibilities to navigating someone else’s resistance to care, the burden falls squarely on women to create change, even when it’s not their responsibility.
Men also face damaging beliefs about “providing” and “protecting” – especially when it comes to money. I’ve witnessed men, time and time again, reject financial assistance from loved ones (…when they REALLY are in a pickle and need it), even when it’s freely offered with no strings attached, simply because they feel shame about accepting financial assistance and fear looking weak incase they’re not ‘man’ enough. These beliefs often come from childhood influences – from family, friends, school, the media, religion – and are reinforced as we grow up. But that doesn’t have to be the reality.
Signs of Learned Helplessness in Relationships
Recognizing learned helplessness can help you identify patterns that may be affecting your relationship. Here are some red flags:
- Weaponized Incompetence: Tasks are done so poorly or with so many questions that it’s easier for you to take over.
- Compulsive Avoidance: Excessive use of escapism, like video games or substances, to dodge responsibilities.
- Emotional Unavailability: Difficulty engaging in meaningful conversations or resolving conflicts.
- Lack of Initiative: Consistently avoiding shared responsibilities, such as childcare, housework, or relationship maintenance.
When Women Carry the Load
For many women, learned helplessness in a partner becomes painfully clear during challenging times—like parenthood, financial stress, or during illness. These moments often reveal an imbalance in emotional and physical labor, where women are expected to juggle it all while their partner disengages.
Take my friend – let’s call her ‘Patricia’. She worked full-time, held down a part-time job and earned more than her husband. Yet, she still handeled everything else: managing their five kids (one with special needs), after-school activities, cooking, cleaning, and more.
Her husband didn’t outright refuse to help—he just made things so difficult when he did step in that it was easier and quicker for her to do it herself. Whether it was showing up late to appointments or asking endless questions about basic parenting tasks, his behavior added to her mental load instead of easing it.
Ultimately, Patricia realized that he brought so little value to her life as a partner and father, it was better to manage on her own. Divorce became her solution. She found that cutting the “dead weight” meant she could finally focus on herself and her kids without added stress.
Society Devalues Womens Work
The patriarchy has long ignored “invisible labor”—the mental, emotional, and physical work that keeps households running. Tasks like cooking, cleaning, and managing a home are often seen as “natural” for women, while men’s contributions, such as earning money, receive praise and recognition.
But invisible labor is far from simple. It involves constant ‘effortless’ mental juggling: meal prepping, keeping track of appointments, budgeting, and anticipating the emotional and physical needs of everyone in the household. This mental load often feels overwhelming, especially when others fail to notice or appreciate the effort.
When men take on even a small part of this work, they quickly realize how demanding it is. Suddenly, they view their controibutions as significant. A man who starts cooking meals every day for his children might suddenly feel entitled to positive acknowledgment or even deserving ‘compensation’. Yet, women have been doing these tasks for centuries without fanfare or reward. They often provide the exact same labor without expecting anything in return—except perhaps a “thank you” that rarely comes.
This double standard leaves women exhausted, resentful and a with sense of being taken for granted. Many men assume this work will be done for free in a relationship, while society fails to recognize the cost—time, energy, and emotional toll. Heaven forbid a woman should speak up or ask for help. I’ve seen a scary increase in women gaslighting each other with gratitude. They’re told to view their responsibilities as “blessings.” Instead of being annoyed and frustrated at washing the third sinkful of dishes that day, be grateful you have a family to feed and food to put on the table. While gratitude for being able to provide for loved ones is valid, this is just toxic BS designed specifically by the patriarchy to silence women and keep the work hidden. It doesn’t erase the labor’s weight or its impact on women’s mental health. When you excuse away the frustration, the annoyance, the anger, you accept. You don’t rock the boat. You don’t change. The system lives another day.
Talking about invisible labor isn’t negativity—it’s truth. It’s honesty. And honesty is the first step toward equitable change. Acknowledging the burden is the first step toward creating fair partnerships and reducing the mental and emotional toll placed on women.
Protecting Your Energy: 4 Steps For Women
You can’t change someone who refuses to change themselves, but you can take steps to protect your energy and prioritize your well-being. Here’s how:
1. Spot the Red Flags Early
Look for signs of learned helplessness in the early stages of a relationship. Does your partner avoid responsibility or expect you to handle everything? Do they show no interest in learning new skills that would benefit their day to day lives? Do they struggle to contribute emotionally or practically? Take note. These patterns often signal deeper problems ahead.
2. Set Clear Boundaries
Boundaries are essential for maintaining balance in any relationship. Speak openly about your expectations early on and often:
- “I need a partner who shares household responsibilities equally.”
- “It’s important to me that we both contribute emotionally.”
Be specific about what you need, whether it’s splitting chores, planning dates, or handling childcare. Boundaries clarify expectations and make it harder for invisible labor to go unnoticed.
3. Release the Need to Fix Them
It’s not your job to rehabilitate a partner or change someone who refuses to grow. Many women fall into the trap of trying to “fix” their partner’s shortcomings with enough patience or effort, but this often leads to frustration and resentment. Change must come from within, and while you can encourage self-awareness, the responsibility for change ultimately lies with them. They must take responsibility for their growth. Pouring your energy into someone unwilling to change drains your reserves and prevents you from thriving. Your energy is better spent on yourself.
4. Choose Yourself
If your needs are consistently unmet, don’t hesitate to walk away. Despite what you’ve been taught, leaving isn’t failure—it’s prioritizing your happiness and well-being. Your time and energy are precious, and you deserve a partnership built on mutual respect and effort. The energy you once used to keep a one-sided relationship afloat can be redirected toward yourself. This shift often leads to incredible personal growth and empowerment.
Why Women Thrive After Leaving
When women leave relationships where learned helplessness dominates, they often experience significant personal growth and the changes can be transformative. Without the emotional and physical weight of carrying someone else, they regain the freedom to focus on their own goals, well-being, and happiness.
This is why so many women report a “glow-up” after ending toxic relationships, while their exes struggle to adjust to life without their support. Their energy, once drained by someone else’s inaction, is now fully available for their own use. It’s not just about looking better—it’s about reclaiming power, clarity, and a sense of self.
Breakups can be a wake-up call. When you stop pouring energy into something that drains you, even redirecting a fraction of that energy toward yourself yields dramatic results. Whether it’s focusing on health, career, or personal passions, women often thrive when they become the center of their own lives.
And for the men left wondering why their ex is suddenly thriving? The answer is simple: You were the problem.
Reclaim Your Energy with Wild and Aligned
You deserve a life where your worth isn’t tied to how much you can carry for others. Wild & Aligned is here to help.
This isn’t just a membership—it’s a movement that empowers women to reconnect with their authentic selves, set boundaries, and build fulfilling lives they don’t need to escape from. Through curated tools, book discussions, and actionable processes, you’ll unlearn societal conditioning and reclaim your power.
It’s time to stop playing by rules that were made to keep you in a very specefic, defined box and hold you back. It’s time to rewrite your story. Join Wild & Aligned today and build a future rooted in freedom, connection, and confidence.
Joy Xx
